Love, Money + Relationships
This column originally appeared in Slate. I’m rerunning it so that you have another chance to enjoy it. Did I get the answer right? Feedback welcome!
Dear Pay Dirt,
My question is - why do my parents give everyone money except me and my brother? Over the years my parents have done fairly well for themselves and are pretty comfortable financially. At the same time, my brother and I have put ourselves through college through a combination of military service (my brother) and student loans (me) - with no help from our parents. We've worked hard and are now doing OK for ourselves. We can each pay our bills and have a decent life. We don't necessarily need any money from our parents.... but it hurts to hear that they are always giving other people money. They subsidized my (much younger) sister's college and entire life (housing, cars, food, everything) until she was well past 30 years old (she has not been able to hold a job, likely due to undiagnosed mental health issues). They've paid off relatives' mortgages. They've paid for home renovations and vacations for other family members. But never anything to either my brother or I.
They tell me every time I visit how proud they are of me and my brother for how well we've done, how happy with how successful we both are. I asked my mom one time why she helped our sister but never us and she basically said "you never asked".
Recently, there was a health scare with one of them, and my mom wanted my brother and his family to come visit. Plane tickets for his family would have been really expensive. I suggested that my parents help them out. They acted offended and then made excuses why they didn't need to come visit. I've talked about needing to buy a new car and do some home repairs. I could do this by taking out a car loan and/or home equity loan. But would it be helpful to have a little money from them? Sure! Even though my mom suggested I just need to ask, I'm pretty sure they would act offended like they did with my suggestion that they pay for my brother's travel. I don't NEED the money, and neither does my brother, but I do have to admit that it hurts that they will seemingly help everyone out except for us.
My mom gets dramatic and pulls the old "I know I'm a terrible mother!" if I ever so much as suggest that she's done something that hurts, so I don't know if I can talk to her about this. My dad is just stingy and out of touch. Do you have any suggestions on how I should think about this to "get over it"? I'm tired of visiting and hearing about the next "generous" thing they are doing for Relative X while I just shelled out hundreds of dollars to visit them.
—Confused About Parent’s “Generosity”
Dear Confused About Parent’s “Generosity”:
You’re right - this question isn’t really about money. But the lens through which you experience your relationship with your parents seems to be framed by how they’ve cheated you out of a better, more financially secure life.
You seem jealous that your parents haven’t put you and your brother first in line for their largess. You admit to living a good life, but somehow have equated their love with the amount of cash they’ve shelled out for you. They gave you a good start and then let you fend for yourselves, which you’ve seemingly been able to do. Congratulations! What’s the problem now? Seems like you aren’t getting the pat on the back you feel you so richly deserve.
Let me be clear: Your parents don’t owe you anything, including plane tickets, home renovations, vacations, a new or used car, debt repayment or a better retirement. And, they don’t owe you any explanations for why they’ve shelled out for your sister, various relatives and friends.
What they should give you is emotional support and strings-free love. But not everyone is lucky enough to have that sort of relationship with their parents. Yet, your mom tells you how proud she is of you. Why doesn’t that feel good to you? I get that you’re hurting. I understand you wish things were different. You can’t change their behavior but you can reset your expectation to zero. When you stop expecting anything, you might be surprised by what happens next.
Here’s how you change the script:
Mom: “I’m sick. Come visit me.”
You: “Gee, Mom, I’d love to, but plane tickets aren’t in the budget right now. I’m sorry you’re not feeling well. Want to Zoom?”
So, stop interfering in your brother’s relationship with your parents. Stop being critical about the money they spend on everyone else. And, stop asking for and talking about money with them. Instead, focus on your life, your goals, and your family. In a short while, I’m guessing you’ll feel a whole lot better.
How would you have answered this question? Feel free to email me at Questions@thinkglink.com or leave a comment below:
Thanks for reading. I’ll type to you again, soon.
Ilyce
This scenario isn’t uncommon and occurs outside family relationships as well. It’s why many feel slighted by government when they succeed financially yet know their taxes fund those less fortunate. Selfish? Absolutely. Only human? Sure. Welcome to the Republican Party. Nice to have you.