Love, Money + Relationships

I Just Found Out My Husband Has Lied to Me Since Before Our Wedding. I Need an Escape Plan.

This column was previously published in Slate Magazine. I’m republishing it now to give more people an opportunity to weigh in.

Dear Pay Dirt,

I’m 28, and I’m pregnant with my second child. I have no college loans, but my husband and I have a mortgage that we’d only be able to afford together because he makes much more. I also have a car loan. I make $50,000 a year in a low cost of living area, and max out my 401(k) contributions for employer match. Our biggest expense is daycare. We got married young so he’s always managed our money, but I need to start planning with mine and I don’t know how.

I recently found out with very concrete evidence that my husband has been in a long-term affair from before our wedding until now. He doesn’t know I know. I want to get divorced but in my state divorce isn’t allowed during pregnancy, which means I need to wait at least five more months. But then I’ll have a newborn and that’s a hard time to do things. I’d like to believe my soon-to-be ex would be fair about money but I’m not sure he would so I need to do this privately. I want to get my financial ducks in a row and find a divorce attorney so I’m ready when the moment is right but I have no idea where to start. What financial things do I need to start thinking about here?

—Everything Is Falling Apart

Dear Everything Is Falling Apart,

Wow, I’m so sorry you’re going through this incredibly difficult situation. Discovering your husband’s long-term affair, especially while pregnant, must be devastating. Getting your finances in order is a smart and proactive step.

First, take a deep breath. You’re doing the right thing by planning ahead and seeking guidance. Gather any important documents: bank statements, tax returns, pay stubs, investment accounts, and any other financial records. Having a clear picture of your assets and debts will be crucial in the divorce process. In that vein, also check your credit report and make sure you have a good understanding of any joint debts or accounts. If possible, start establishing credit in your own name, such as opening a credit card account. But know you are legally entitled to credit established jointly during your marriage. And if you don’t already have one, open a bank account in your name only. Start setting aside money for legal fees and living expenses. Be cautious about moving large sums, as this could raise red flags during the divorce proceedings.

While you get your financial accounts in order, review how much you’re spending each month, particularly the costs associated with raising your children. This will help you plan for your financial future as a single parent. Think about whether you want to stay in your current home or move. Can you move in with a family member? If not, start researching affordable housing options in your area.

And of course, a crucial step will be finding a tough, smart, highly-experienced family law attorney who can guide you through the legal process and protect your interests. Many offer free initial consultations, so take advantage of these to find the right fit. You can also talk with a financial planner or accountant who specializes in divorce. They can help you make informed decisions about property division, child support, and long-term financial planning.

Remember you don’t have to go through this alone. Lean on trusted friends and family for emotional support. Consider joining a support group for women going through divorce or seeking counseling to help you cope with the emotional toll. Take things one step at a time. Focus on your well-being during the end of your pregnancy. The timing may not be ideal, but you’ll figure out the right moment to move forward with the divorce when you’re ready. You’re stronger than you realize, and you’re making the best decisions you can for yourself and your children. Hang in there, keep moving forward, and know that brighter days lie ahead.

Thanks for reading. I’ll type to you again, soon.

Ilyce

PS: For more real estate information, check out my ThinkGlink.com blog.